Beautifully expressed and absolutely heart wrenching. I'm so very sorry, and I understand. I, too lost my son three years after my 40th birthday when he was 16. It changed my whole book of life. You spoke of so many feelings I could relate to... in particular changing the way I parent my other children. The fear, too. There's always the fear it could happen again. Thank you for this article and my heart goes out to you.